Gazing Into the Abyss
by Akatsuki210
Summary: Wear a mask for too long, and it may become your true face. Itachi-centric, manga spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Naruto_ or any of its characters.

**Warning:** Major manga spoilers, character death.

* * *

**Gazing Into the Abyss**

Life after Konoha would have been a lot easier for Itachi if he had been the cold-blooded traitor everyone believed him to be.

_Everything_ would have been a lot easier.

It would have been much simpler to kill his family if he had already hated them. Or, even better, if he had been indifferent to them, regarding them with nothing more than detached contempt. If he had already intended to kill Shisui for the power of the Mangekyou, if he had been the type of person who could have murdered his entire clan just to test out his new powers, it would have been easier to acquiesce to Danzou's orders. His throat wouldn't have closed and his eyes wouldn't have burned when he spoke the words, "I will do it." He wouldn't have had to steal medication from the medical corps's headquarters to stop his hands from shaking before embarking on the massacre.

He wouldn't have had to bite his tongue so hard it bled to keep from screaming as he cut down his mother and father.

Tears wouldn't have slid from his eyes as his brother pleaded with him to tell him _why_.

He wouldn't have collapsed to his knees in the woods just beyond the Land of Fire's border and released a howl of grief and misery that scared a flurry of birds from their roosting places in nearby trees.

* * *

If he had really been the monster everyone believed him to be, joining Akatsuki would have been easier.

During the massacre, he had had to ignore the part of his mind that screamed at him that this was _wrong_, that this was _evil_, that he _should not be doing this_. When fighting against so many shinobi of such a high skill level, even the slightest hesitation would have been deadly. So he had to clamp down on that voice, lock it away in a dark corner of his mind and pretend it didn't exist.

But he couldn't silence it entirely.

That voice continued to whisper at him on a regular basis after he became an Akatsuki member. Every time he had to stand by and watch as Pain tortured someone who dared to question his ideals. Every time Hidan's sadomasochistic laughter echoed in his ears as the immortal killed some luckless bystander who happened to cross their path. Every time Sasori injected a corpse with formaldehyde and asked Itachi's advice about what type of weapons he should incorporate when he turned it into a human puppet.

When he, himself, was ordered to assassinate a spy who had managed to infiltrate Amegakure, or to steal the secrets from some ninja stronghold and then burn the place to the ground, or to kill the family of someone who had defied Pain as a warning to others, the voice did not whisper. It shouted.

But Itachi knew that he must not listen to the voice--which, he came to realize, was simply his exhausted and long-ignored conscience. If he wavered, if he showed any hint of even _possessing_ such a thing as a conscience, the other Akatsuki would kill him. And he couldn't allow that to happen--not for his own sake, but for Sasuke's, and for Konoha's.

So he kept the mask in place. Every time that voice began to whisper, he shoved it down, out of his conscious mind. He forced himself not to show any sign of misgiving or discomfort at the acts of torture and murder he witnessed on a daily basis. He forced his hands not to tremble at the acts of torture and murder he carried out himself.

And each time the voice spoke up, it was a little softer, a little weaker. A little closer to giving up for good.

* * *

If he had been the ruthless mass-murderer with icewater in his veins that everyone thought he was, fighting Sasuke would have been easier.

As with the Akatsuki, he knew that he had to make his pretense absolutely convincing, or all would be lost. That facade was even more crucial now. Faced with someone whose eyes could read every tiny fluctuation in his chakra, setting his face in an expression of masklike blankness would not be enough. Forcing his voice into a bored monotone would not be enough. He had to (temporarily) become what Sasuke believed he was. To fool Sasuke's Sharingan, he had to fool himself. So he gazed upon his brother with cold eyes and pretended that the boy meant nothing to him. That Sasuke was nothing more than a walking, talking incubator for his new set of eyes.

Itachi had been in physical pain for years. The power of the Mangekyou Sharingan was wondrous, but it came with a terrible price. The augmented chakra of its trio of jutsus burned through the user's chakra pathways like liquid fire, searing him from the inside out. But the pain of seeing the hatred, rage, and sheer _hurt_ in his brother's eyes was far worse. So he did what he always did at times like this--he suppressed the pain, pretended it didn't exist.

He was frightened by how easy it was.

When he told Sasuke that he would make the illusion of stealing his eyes a reality, he found his fingers twitching as if they were actually eager to gouge out those crimson orbs. When the lightning bolt cleaved the sky, aiming for him as unerringly as a kunai, he felt a jolt of triumph as the protective shell of Susano'o formed around him. _It will take more than that to kill me, foolish little brother_. The pride he always pretended to feel in the powers of the Mangekyou became real for a moment, and it was slow to fade. Likewise, the horror he should have felt at the cost of those powers was far too slow to return.

And at the end, when he saw Sasuke lurch backwards in fear, hitting a wall of rock and realizing that there was nowhere else to go, part of him savored it. His bloodied fingers reached out once more, and it took a tremendous effort of will to adjust their aim slightly from Sasuke's eye to the center of his forehead. As he repeated the old gesture one more time, he felt the emotions and thoughts he'd had to suppress for so long surge to the surface. Anguish and sorrow over what he'd done, the hope that he had saved his home by doing so--and above all else, the overwhelming love for his younger brother.

_I've done enough. He's strong enough. I can let go now._

_I can...stop pretending._

With the last of his strength, he leaned forward and whispered in Sasuke's ear. "I'm sorry, Sasuke. This is it."

And then he smiled, because Sasuke had killed him before the voice that had begged and admonished and tormented him for years could fade away entirely. Because Sasuke had killed him while his conscience, battered and bruised though it may have been, was still intact. Because he would die before the mask he wore became his true face.

He smiled as he died because Sasuke had saved his soul.

* * *

**A/N:** When I was writing this, I got the idea for a rather darker (and distinctly AU) alternate ending for it. I couldn't decide whether to post two separate versions of this story, or to simply include the alternate ending as a second chapter. The alternate ending doesn't start until the final section of the fic, and I figured no one would want to read through the whole first two sections again before getting to the new material, so I'll be putting the alternate ending up as a second chapter to this story.

The title is from Nietzsche's famous quote, "When you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."


	2. Alternate Ending

**Disclaimer:** Has Itachi conquered the Narutoverse in canon yet? No? Then you can safely conclude that I don't own the series or its characters.

**Important Note:** This isn't so much a second chapter as an alternate ending for the previous one. It starts during the last section (in which Itachi and Sasuke are fighting). It will probably make more sense if you've read the first chapter, and it's significantly darker. Again, the warnings for manga spoilers and character death apply. This ending is also distinctly AU.  


* * *

**Gazing Into the Abyss (Alternate Ending)**

Itachi had heard of deep-cover operatives who became so immersed in their false identities that they forgot their real ones. In order to convince those around them, they had to bury their true personalities so deeply that they lost their grasp on them completely, and essentially became the men they had once only pretended to be.

When he told Sasuke that he would make the illusion of stealing his eyes a reality, he found his fingers twitching as if they were actually eager to gouge out those crimson orbs. When the lightning bolt cleaved the sky, aiming for him as unerringly as a kunai, he felt a jolt of triumph as the protective shell of Susano'o formed around him. _It will take more than that to kill me, foolish little brother_. The pride he always pretended to feel in the powers of the Mangekyou became real for a moment, and it was slow to fade. Likewise, the horror he should have felt at the cost of those powers was far too slow to return.

The voice that had begged and admonished and tormented Itachi for years had been growing steadily fainter over the past few months. Now, in the midst of the fiercest battle he'd ever fought, it disappeared entirely. Perhaps it had simply gotten tired of being ignored. If that was the case, Itachi couldn't really blame it.

Wear a mask for too long, and you may find that it has become your real face.

Susano'o reached out one skeletal hand and clasped Sasuke around the waist, holding him still. Itachi approached slowly, feeling his lungs burn with each breath--the toll taken by repeated use of the Mangekyou. His vision was fuzzy, the faint glow of Susano'o's limbs casting a diffuse light that somehow made it harder to see. Still, as he got closer, he could see the fury and desperation in Sasuke's eyes as the younger man thrashed and struggled in Susano'o's grip.

"I'm sorry, Sasuke," Itachi said calmly as he stretched out his hand and placed his fingers above and below Sasuke's left eye, prising the eyelids apart.

"This is it for you."

* * *

"Eh?" Kisame turned from the unconscious bodies of Sasuke's companions as he heard footsteps approaching. "Hey, Itachi-san. Guess you beat up your brother again, huh?" He grinned, but his smile faltered as Itachi came close enough for him to get a good look at his face.

Blood was streaked across Itachi's cheeks and clotted in his eyelashes. His hands were likewise spattered, and even the locks of hair that had escaped from his habitual ponytail were sticky. "Holy shit, Itachi, you look like Sasuke tried to claw your eyes out! Are you _alright_?"

"I am fine," Itachi replied simply.

"But...your e_yes_..." He scrutinized Itachi's face more closely, and his own eyes hardened. "Wait," he said commandingly. "I've seen Itachi-san use both forms of the Sharingan before, so I know what the pattern in his eyes is supposed to look like. _Those aren't Itachi-san's eyes._" Kisame swung Samehada in an arc, expecting the false Itachi to be caught off-guard.

"It was a nice try, Sas--" Kisame broke off as "Itachi" disappeared from in front of him so fast that his eyes couldn't follow the movement. In the next instant, someone was behind him, one hand gripping his throat and the other reaching forward to clamp his wrist hard enough to make him wince.

"Kisame. I would advise you to lower Samehada," Itachi's voice said in his ear. "You are correct that these eyes are neither the Sharingan nor the Mangekyou Sharingan. They are a higher form--the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan. You are also correct that these are not my eyes. They are Sasuke's."

Kisame felt Samehada rustle. It had managed to catch the barest taste of "Itachi"'s chakra, and through the flexing of its scales, it communicated to Kisame what it had felt. _A genjutsu could fool me, but there's no trapping Samehada that way. This __**is**__ Itachi-san, whatever his eyes look like. But if what he said is true..._

Kisame loosened his grip on his sword; in response, Itachi released him and stepped away. "Damn, Itachi-san, I knew you were cold. But to rip out your own brother's eyes..."

"It is of no consequence. Sasuke was merely a way for me to avoid blindness and enhance my strength. That is all he ever was." Apparently deciding the conversation was over, Itachi turned his back on Kisame and walked back in the direction they had arrived from a few hours ago.

Kisame shook his head one more time, then wordlessly followed.

* * *

**A/N:** So, here is the alternate ending I promised. Apologies to all the Sasuke fans out there for killing him off. *hides behind a boulder*

If you feel like reviewing, I would love to know which ending you liked better. (I'd love any reviews at all, of course, but I'm particularly curious to know if people preferred one ending over the other. Mainly because I feel a bit ambivalent about the revelation of Itachi not really being a villain myself...)

Happy (early) Thanksgiving to all!


End file.
